Thots of my last 21 minutes being a 18 years old...

Yeah.. Here I am sitting infront of my computer blogging away. Feeling so emotionally drained and tired. What I am facing everyday at home:

- A mum nagging/probing/complaining non stop about money
- A dad who sulk on how miserable his life is...
- A temperemental sister who can be nice for a moment and nasty de next..
- Wavering thots in my mind thinking to myself if I am going to make it through in life successfully...

Feeling rather down or depressed which is a better word. Am trying to study Pharmaceutical Chem as there're this tutorial quiz tmr. But I have got quarrellings outside my room with my mum and dad squabblling over money matters again for the zillion time for this month. In additon of my mum constant walking in to the room asking me how I spent my money and scolding me for spending money unnecessary. It's just 15 more minutes to my birthday, and my dad just told me he really don't feel like coming back home anymore. At this moment I am trying hard to fight back my tears. But who can understand that enormous whirlpool of emotions that's evoked in me? Everyday I keep telling myself when I wake up, it's a brand new day with a fresh start. Welcome this day with a smile and end it with a smile too. But ain;t tt what almost everyone wants? Seems like I have been ending my days with tears these days... And why is it so? Am I thinking too much again? Or it is just a mood swing? Or I have been holding back too much infront of my friends? Or is it that I really do not have the courage to face it in reality and left me to releash what I am feeling in this cyber world by blogging?

I have come to a stage whereby I really do not know what I want... As I chatted with Janice earlier on today in the cafe. I came to realise how lonely I am. I have friends with me. But they can't be with me all the time. I gotta learn how to cope with emotions and mood swings better. I have been blaming myself for thinking too much when I am feeling down. But is that really the case? The laughters I had in school, are they genuine? How I wish I will never grow up but to stay as a lively happy teenage girl for the whole of my life. But, we all know that it is never impossible. I know how to envy people. But I had learnt not to be jealous of others too. Because we all have our uniques happenings in life that nuture us into what we are. We are all unique in all ways. But is that the reason why no one can understand one individual completely?

Sigh... I am talking too much crap le. I guess I am just feeling emotionally drained. Now my mum had come into the room and start to intergorrate me what my dad told me before this and start complaining. What is this issue about money? Why is she so meticulous about money? Why? And my sister. It is obvious that what she do by giving all her pay to my mum is of good intention. But seems like she is still taking allowance from my dad. And seems like e debt my dad owe my mum will never end. Just because when come to money, my mum is just so meticulous that she will overlook certain areas. I am really getting tired. Why am I always the one caught in between? Why am I always the one they come to? Why am I always the one who must clear up the mess?

I want to break free from this and live in the perfectionism of what I percieve this world to be. And let me soar to the freedom I yearn and make a difference in people's life. Share my ability to make people smile and make this place [I will not say world as it is too ambitious] a better place to live in. But what is the extend of this that is able to come true? We shall wait and see.

Happy Birthday Shee Wee...